We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm really busy with my period
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