Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
