he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
