Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
