You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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