Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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