Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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