I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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