Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
