I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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