Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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