Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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