I heard we made out
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
