She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
