umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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