I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I forget how to act sober
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
