I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You need a sexual gate keeper
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
