a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
