My hand turned me down
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
