Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
