Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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