So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
