you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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