yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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