Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
