I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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