I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
