How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
