remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
