Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Please don't give away my fajitas
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
