Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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