Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
