this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
