I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
