You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
