At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
