I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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