God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize