tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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