You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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