I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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