she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
