I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
