Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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