you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
