couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
