Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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