There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's the barista slut.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
