so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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