Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
