my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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