Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
