I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
