dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I sprained my soul last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
