Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
