I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
