I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
