Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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