the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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