In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize