Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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